The Tea Makers

You have likely heard some things about the importance of managing information effectively, particularly in the context of new legislative obligations under the Access to Information Act, the Privacy Act and the Library and Archives Act. We realize that in light of the blogging guidelines hoax, the Whistleblower policy, the Access to Information policy, and the Privacy policy, employees might be a bit confused.

That’s why CBC Legal has prepared 2 long-winded Adobe Acrobatâ„¢ documents for you, one on managing your records, and the second on understanding the first Adobe Acrobatâ„¢ document.

What you do with these is your business. Our asses are covered. Perhaps you could print them out and respectfully tape – not tack! – them to your co-worker’s forehead so they will always be available to your department for quick and easy reference.

What’s that?

Well, for your information, it’s impossible to “shove” an electronic file anywhere, which only proves your ignorance on the topic of Records Management. But the general sentiment of your ejaculation is duly noted. Below are the salient points:

1) For God’s sake, don’t use your real name when leaving a comment on Inside the CBC. Management combs that site for the names of cyber-dissidents and free-thinkers. Use your supervisor’s name instead, or some preposterous-sounding name that is immediately recognizable as being made up, like “Luba Goy.”

2) As for The Tea Makers, don’t even look at it straight on. What you want to do is use a pin to poke a hole in a sheet of paper and view the blog through that.

3) Jesus, you’re a senior manager. Take off the balloon hat, put on a suit, and take a new Facebook profile picture. Add some Elton John lyrics to round out the mood. CBC Legal recommends “I’m Still Standing.”

4) Jesus, you’re a journalist. Stop trolling for dates on Facebook and take down the pictures of you hammered in a bar. It makes you look like a floozy. Christ, do we have to explain everything to you people?

5) Save all records of possible historical value. But what is “history,” really? Contact the Philosophical Conundrum Department before deleting anything.

6) Remember the “Times Five” rule when asked to estimate how long it will take to retrieve any given document. That is, take the amount of time it will actually take you to find it and multiply it by 5. CBC Legal will multiple this number by 3, calculate the service charge, and deliver the cost estimate to the citizen.

7) Non-compliance with the Access to Information Act is a serious offence with potentially dire consequences. For this reason all managers are required to attend mandatory Advanced Shoulder Shrugging, Guided Head Scratching, and Eye Rolling Master Class seminars at the Niagara Institute.

8) When an answer of “yes” might get you in trouble or be considered politically volatile, write an email that says “no.” Then follow the client into the toilet, tell them “yes,” and run away.

Notice: This blog may contain satire and/or tomfoolery that is confidential and protected by law. It constitutes non-public information intended to be conveyed only to the designated audience. If the reader of this blog is not the intended audience, or you believe that you are reading this blog in error, please notify the author immediately and promptly avert your eyes, without reading or laughing in any manner. The unauthorized use, dissemination, distribution, or reproduction of this blog is prohibited and may be unlawful. Receipt by anyone other than the intended audience is not a waiver of any privilege.